I'm on a bit of a wave in my life.
it would make a good movie.
And i realise, I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF YOU.
don't want to live in fear anymore.
self discovery 101
Nearly everyone I've met over the time I've loved at one time, if not right now.
Put photos up of some people I've encountered over the years, will try to get more.
Even if you're in the next room (kate, sean, mum, dad and the cat), you're one of the many who have only seen me drunk at a party, or I haven't seen you in 10 years, or I've kissed you at some point, or one of my many crushes, or you're a kilvo, or a sandy kid or i've gigged it up with you, or gotten high with you or eaten with you, hugged you, spoke to you, come across you, have personal jokes, lived in my neighbourhood ,or you're someone who used to be a friend, or a friend of a friend, a friend of the family, from the various local communities, only know me as being so and so's sister, or you are my sister, or brother or mother or father or aunty or uncle or grandparent or teacher or doctor, or musician i've never met or you saw me at music festivals, or you don't like me, or you've danced with me at ska gigs and we never spoke or you live on the other side of the world, or I don't know about you but have read about you in history books or you're a character in a movie or you're my cat.
Everyone has so many different talents and capabilities and are all amazing people in so many different ways.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU
note to self: really try to put above theory into practise.
your mission should you choose to accept it is to think of all the different people and relationships and encounters you've had over the years and then tell me why you would ever want to end it.
so if you remember times we've encountered, let me know and let people from the past know in some surreal myspace-intented bulletin or message or scribble or graf art. if you see someone you've met a few times but didn't really know and you make eye contact, don't just walk past. smile and say hi.
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And other myspace gems...
I was reading Gemma's blog (She's quite an impressive writer, even if she doesn't have much to write about) and saw my name on her blog subscription list.
How do I found out who is subscribed to my blog? I would like to know who would bother with my incessant crap. And do people subscribe just because I've subscribed to theirs or because they genuinely want to know what I crap on about in a myspace blog? (Which funnily enough, isn't as detailed or self piteous as I would in a livejournal)
Oh and the Spice Girls are doing a reunion tour, and will be coming to Sydney January 17th. Scoff, laugh, heckle if you will, but judging by the reply to my bulletin, it is going to be a 2 second sell out, so I'm going to have to do anything to get those tickets.
Who else is thinking of going? Have a costume party this weekend, so excited. The theme is millionaires, hobos and game characters, I'm going to go as a funky japanese Dance Dance Revolution dancer. Lots of photos will be taken I'm sure.
Four hours left and then its my weekend! WOO.
verbal excrement
Category: Blogging
What do you do when someone close to you is going through a hard time? I mean, the obvious conclusion is to be there for them and offer support and do everything you can for them.
Which is right.
But what do you do when that person pushes you away? When all they want to hear is happy words and moral support and that everything is going to be ok. The candy flavoured bullshi*. Not necessarily the truth, because the truth hurts like a knife to the heart sometimes.
So many times we don't want to handle the truth because we can't handle it (Thank you Jack Nicholson, more than just a classic movie line, its actually appropriate)
Alot of the time its hard to decipher who are those who will be there for you in the short term and who will be there in the short term. And it isn't always who'd you'd think.
If only I could be more compassionate. If only I could say what you wanted to hear, and give and give and give. But I'm not that much of a charitable person. Some people say I'm brutally honest, even more people say I'm just a bitch. Both are right.
But I'm also more sensitive than you would think. And when someone pushes me away, I learn to stay away untill they approach me to let me back. Too many times I've tried too soon. Maybe in a while, once the dust has settled, I'll try again. But not any time soon, I'm weak. That said, I also know I'll crack in a few days and try to bridge the gap with one of the three. But I know everybody pushes people away when they don't always mean it. So let them have their bullshit. Let them have those characters from the past pop up out of the blue (or the ones that always have been around) for support and words about a situation in which they know very little about. Watch them take it upon themselves and get upset about how "one of their closest friends" is going through a hard time and therefore they are too. God knows everyone loves to feel sorry for themselves. And once when they've squeezed that little lemon dry, watch them leave just as quickly. The ones that stay, well good on them. But there's obviously a reason they'd left your life in the first place. And the ones that leave aren't really doing anything wrong. Different lifes lead different paths, you do what you can, and then you move on. And the ones that do stay and are genuine will make you realise more and more how much you don't need people like me.
The most common complaint I get from Mark about my behaviour is that I say too much. If I have a concern about something, I voice it nearly all of the time, no matter how inappropriate the situation is. Then again, I often misread the situation, and don't realise how much of what I can say hurts the feelings. I just say things that don't need to be said.
And if someone is honest to you in their opinion, and it isn't what you what you want to hear, then react. For goodness sake, get it out, disagree with them but try not to link the irrelevant things. Don't let that bundle. Deal with your shit as it comes. Don't let it all bundle up and then make the small things seem like something so much bigger. I'd also suggest not bringing it up in front of other people, for their comforts sake, but I've never been good at hiding how I feel and neither is the person I'm thinking of.
But also don't expect me to come crawling back any time soon. All I was trying to do was throw some reality into the situation. So you didn't want to hear it. I misread that one. Again. Once bitten...
Everyone wants to be away from certain people at a certain stage in their life. And right now I have three who have made it clear they don't want to be as close to me. I know its my fault. I need to learn to lie more, or just shut up when its needed. And just because you need support from someone doesn't mean that they want to or are emotionally capable of giving it to you. Never try to estimate someones emotional strength and capability. They will surprise you.
And maybe you need to be alone.
So what resolution comes out of this?
I won't restructure this to make it flow better. This is what I think. No time for second drafts.
6:53 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
19 May 2007
lj
don't know exactly why i don't post blogs on myspace. i just don't. too many people, can't let those vulnerable feelings be exposed.
only on livejournal. gittitnow
3:03 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
22 Apr 2007
every silver lining...
just bought a new computer. a mad rockin' new computer with all the awesome bells and whistles.
THEN WHY ISN'T IT WORKING? I AM SO MAD!
GKERHGRKEHGR WEUGHEKWYELQ WIY:QW:ELGRWEL RLWEHGRELHWEL
FUCKING COMPUTER, WORK DAMN YOU!!!!
9:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
20 Mar 2007
i hate myself and i want to die
not really.
I just really don't like being sick. its all crap. except that i get to miss work.
and i might miss another day.
feel a little floaty and whatnot with all the paracetomol in my body. and it hurts to talk but its probably not really a bad thing to not talk for a day
have stopped capitalizing my i's and using full stops when necessary infact all punctuation has just gone out the door
everybody loves raymond really isn't that funny. i spend too much time on photoshop trying to insert luke into a drink photo. but i did a good job.
oh and my ipod won't working. every small electronic item i have is dysfunctional dammit
le illiterate. i can't really write when i'm in a good mood (which is more often that you'd think) but when i'm sick and in a bad mood, the retardness that goes with being sick outweighs whatever literate ability i have due to bad mood.
i was on perezhilton.com which lead me to research a female to male transgender porn star called Buck Angel. Had a picture of this really buff biker type guy with no pants on, and a VAGINA. Its weird how accustomed you are to see male-to-female transgender... regardless of genitals. but. yeah.
don't know where i'm going with this. it was weird.
8:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
03 Dec 2006
-vert
What is it about somebody that you can label them as being either an extrovert or an introvert?
You'd think it would be really easy, for example if somebody talks a lot, is slightly obnoxious and seems to say whatever is on their mind no matter how rude it seems, then its generally assumed that they are an extrovert.
But what about those cases that defy the stereotype? Real life study: Somebody who loves drama, and will always play in character and joke around and be over the top, but when they're not in character, they're fairly quiet and don't express much emotion about anything in particular to anybody. So much so, that even their closest friends admit to not knowing anything really about what they feel about certain situations.
I've been told that I am an extrovert. Why though? Because I get drunk alot and frequently make a dick out of myself? It doesn't take an extrovert to do that. Because sometimes I am blunt about things that a lot of people wouldn't have the guts to say? That's just a lack of social skills.
If I'm such an extrovert, then why would I turn down four perfectly good offers to go out on a saturday night?
Why does the idea of being around a large group of people make me a little paranoid and anti social, when I'd much rather be around one or two people (Who, on this night, would rather be in a large group?) Smile and be happy for the cameras.
Think of everyone you know and whether they are intro or extro. but they probably won't be either.
Currently listening :
Stadium Arcadium
By Red Hot Chili Peppers
Release date: 09 May, 2006
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